Object Permanence?

Object permanence.. What is it?

Let’s break this down...

What object permanence actually is (and isn’t)

Object permanence is a term from developmental psychology, most commonly associated with Jean Piaget. It describes a stage in infancy, usually developing around 8-12 months, where a baby understands that objects continue to exist even when they can’t be seen.

If you hide a toy under a blanket and the baby looks for it, object permanence has developed.

By adulthood, true object permanence is usually fully established in almost everyone, including people with ADHD, autism, and other neurodivergences.

So when neurodivergent adults say “I don’t have object permanence,” what they’re usually describing is not a lack of object permanence at all.

What they are describing sits much closer to:

• working memory differences

• attentional regulation

• object constancy

• executive functioning load

• and sometimes nervous system stress or trauma

This distinction matters, because misunderstanding it often leads to shame instead of support.

What people often mean when they talk about object permanence in ADHD and autism

1. Working memory & attention (very common in ADHD)

Working memory is the brain’s ability to hold information “online” for short periods of time.

In ADHD, working memory is often inconsistent. This means if something isn’t visible, cued, or actively stimulating attention, it can drop out of awareness.

This isn’t forgetting forever, it’s more like the mental tab closes.

This is why:

• food goes uneaten in cupboards

• bills disappear until there’s a reminder

• messages don’t get replied to even when the person matters deeply

• tasks feel like they “don’t exist” until prompted

It’s not a lack of care.

It’s an attention-based nervous system, not a memory failure.

2. Object constancy & relational safety (more common in autism, attachment trauma, or chronic stress)

Object constancy is slightly different. It refers to the ability to maintain an internal sense of connection, safety, or emotional presence with someone when they’re not physically there or actively interacting with us.

Some autistic people, and many people with trauma histories, experience:

• relationships feeling “quiet” or distant when not actively engaged

• reassurance dropping away when contact pauses

• difficulty holding onto emotional continuity without external cues

This doesn’t mean someone doesn’t care.

It means their nervous system relies more heavily on consistency, predictability, and reassurance to feel secure.

Again, this is about regulation, not deficiency.

How this shows up in daily life.

These differences often show up in ways that are misunderstood by others, and by ourselves.

• Relationships

• Forgetting to message back for weeks

• Feeling suddenly disconnected from someone you love

• Being fully present when together, then seemingly “absent” when apart

• Daily tasks

• Needing to see something to remember it exists

• Multiple unfinished projects that vanish from awareness

• Medication, meals, or self-care slipping without visual prompts

• Parenting

• Holding your child’s needs effortlessly when they’re in front of you

• Struggling with admin, emails, or future planning

• Feeling guilty for forgetting things that matter deeply

• Emotional and body needs

• Not noticing hunger, pain, exhaustion until it’s extreme

• Forgetting coping tools exist when overwhelmed

• Losing access to self-compassion under stress

None of this reflects laziness, selfishness, or a lack of love.

It reflects how your brain prioritises information under load.

Why shame makes this worse

When we believe “I should be able to remember this,” the nervous system tightens.

Shame:

• reduces working memory

• increases threat responses

• narrows attention

• makes regulation harder

So the very thing we’re criticised for becomes harder to manage.

Neurodivergent brains don’t fail because they need support, they struggle when support is withheld.

What actually helps (and why “trying harder” doesn’t)

The key is externalising what the brain doesn’t reliably hold internally.

This isn’t cheating.

It’s adaptive.

Those that know me, know one of my favourite mottos is ADAPT, CONQUER and OVERCOME!

1. Make things visible

• Open shelving

• Clear containers

• Visual reminders

• Whiteboards, notes, photos, cues

• And do NOT put things out of sight in the draw of the fridge 🤢

If your brain remembers what it can see, let it see!

2. Offload memory from the nervous system

• Alarms are not moral failures

• Reminders are not childish

• Systems are not weakness

They are scaffolding, the same way glasses support eyesight and a wheelchair helps with mobility.

3. Build relational safety around it

For relationships:

• name the pattern openly (“I care even when I go quiet”)

• agree on gentle check-ins

• reduce assumptions and mind-reading

Connection doesn’t have to be constant to be real yet clarity helps both sides.

4. Anchor care to routines, not motivation

Motivation is unreliable under stress.

Instead:

• attach tasks to existing habits

• keep tools where they’re used

• reduce steps, not standards

5. Be compassionate with your nervous system

When stress, trauma, or overload increases, these difficulties increase too.

That’s not regression.

That’s biology.

Regulation comes before remembering.

A final reframe...

You possibly don’t lack object permanence.

You do possibly live in a world that demands internal memory from a brain that work externally.

Your mind is not broken, it is responsive, contextual, and deeply present when engaged.

When we stop pathologising that, we can start supporting it.

And when support replaces shame... things don’t just get easier, they get kinder!