Validation

There’s a moment, tiny, almost invisible, that can change everything in a relationship.

A pause before responding. A breath before defending. A chance to say: “I hear you. That makes sense.”

That moment is validation. And it’s one of the most powerful forms of human connection we have.

Yet, most of us never learned how to do it.

Growing up many of us heard:

• “Don’t cry - it’s not a big deal”

• “There’s nothing to be scared of”

• “Calm down”

• “You’re overreacting”

The message? Your feelings aren’t logical.

Your inner world isn’t valid. You must manage discomfort quietly to be accepted.

But here’s the truth: Validation isn’t about agreeing. It’s not about fixing. It’s not about minimising discomfort.

Validation is saying: Your feelings are real. Your perspective matters. You belong here.

Why Validation Matters So Much

When we validate someone:

• Their nervous system settles

• Their defenses lower

• Their brain shifts from survival mode into connection mode

• They feel seen, respected, understood

Validation improves:

• Self-esteem - “I’m allowed to feel what I feel.”

• Problem solving - once emotions settle, clarity becomes possible.

• Trust in relationships - safety creates honesty.

On a biological level, being validated activates the ventral vagal system - the part of the nervous system linked to social connection, emotional regulation, and wellbeing. We literally feel safer in our bodies when someone says:

“I get why you’d feel that way.”

This isn’t “coddling.” This is neuroscience!

What Invalidating Responses Sound Like

These often come from good intentions, trying to help, cheer up, or give advice.

But they backfire.

• “You’re fine.”

• “Don’t be so sensitive.”

• “Other people have it worse.”

• “Just try to relax.”

• “You always do this.”

Invalidation teaches someone: Hide your feelings. They’re inconvenient.

That’s how shame grows. That’s how disconnection begins.

What Validation Actually Looks Like

It’s not complicated.

And you can start today.

Try swapping these responses:

• Instead of… “Calm down.”

• Try saying… “This feels intense, I’m here with you.”

• Instead of… “You’re overreacting.”

• Try saying… “This really matters to you. Tell me more.”

• Instead of… “It’s not a big deal.”

• Try saying…“I can see this has affected you.

• Instead of… “Just forget about it.”

• Try saying…“It makes sense you’re still thinking about this.”

• Instead of… “Don’t be angry.”

• Try saying…“I hear your frustration, what’s behind it?”

Sometimes people don’t need advice. They need their feelings to make sense to someone else.

A Simple Validation Formula

Use this when someone opens up:

1.Acknowledge the emotion

“You’re feeling anxious/upset/overwhelmed…”

2.Make it understandable

“…because that situation was surprising/confusing/hurtful.”

3. Stay present, not corrective

“…and I’m here to listen.”

Accurate. Respectful. Regulating. No fixing required.

Real-Life Ways to Validate More Often

Use reflective listening: “So what I’m hearing is…”

Say “I believe you”

Replace advice with curiosity: “What do you need right now?”

Normalise feelings: “Anyone would feel that way in your situation.”

Hold space for pauses and silence.

Thank people for being vulnerable: “Thank you for trusting me with this.”

These tiny shifts build emotional safety which I feel is the foundation of every healthy relationship.

And Don’t Forget Self-Validation!!

We can learn to give ourselves what we never received.

Try:

• Naming your feelings

• Acknowledging that they make sense

• Reminding yourself nothing about emotion is “wrong”

Self-validation fuels inner resilience. It stops us from relying solely on external approval to feel okay.

The Bottom Line

• Validation is NOT weakness.

• It is NOT indulgence.

• It is NOT emotional luxury.

Validation is:

• Regulation

• Connection

• Compassion

• Healing

• Humanity in action

Every time we validate someone, we say:

“You matter.”

And those two words can change the course of a life!